Don’t the local governments pay people to do this? Verily they do, my smart friend, but they can’t get to all of them at once, and you have to ask yourself which task the fire fighters should be doing, should your home catch fire: looking for a buried fireplug, digging one out from more than a foot of snow, or merely going to it and hooking up the lines. Your choice.

Seriously, get out there and dig out the fire hydrants. A little time now can save a life later.

When we got there this sign and a locked door were all that greeted me. You think it got bad when you couldn’t get your coffee? This is dire, my friends. Big Daddy needs his doughnuts. I’m not screwing around anymore.

Is there an area Krispy Kreme that is open in this Snomageddopocalypse?

If only Mother Nature would respect the rules. First rule of bad weather: Schedule it for a day other than Friday, because let’s cut to the chase here. No pants + snow = just plain messy.

Since the snow has been delayed a bit from its predicted early morning start, what last-minute items are you heading out for?

I normally like working near this store but not today. I am curious, though, why it was so busy today and why people chose to wait in that long ass line. Were you there? Can you shed some light for me?

I saw this makeshift outhouse under the DC side of the Chain Bridge while walking on the tow path with my Lovely Wife the other day. Shoddily constructed, to be sure, but it’ll do in a pinch if you really need to pinch a loaf on the drive home. Complete with a bucket inside and running water in the canal. You know, because the Potomac River is so clean you might want to wash up in it.

The Chain bridge usually isn’t terrible, but when it’s bad, it’s horrid. Don’t forget about this gem of a facility when nature calls. You might be scowling as you read this, but disgust turns to acceptance when desperation increases beyond a certain threshold.

I can’t verify that’s what is happening in the picture but that’s how it looks to me. This is an ad at Rock Bottom Brewery in Ballston Mall, advertising a New Year’s Eve party at the popular bar. Check out the guy third in from the left. This is just wrong. For one thing, here in Virginia we don’t put up with the new-age hippie crap you find on the other side of the water. Another thing – I think firing one up like this guy seems to be doing would violate Virginia’s smoking ban.

Readers, take a closer look. What do you think is happening in the picture? If you look close, it appears he might be holding a circle. My Lovely Wife suggested it looks a bit like a condom, but that’s not quite right. It could be a napkin holder he is about to eat, evidence that he either got high in the parking lot or that he has been served too much alcohol.

Folks from Rock Bottom – any comment?

That’s kind of how it looks, right? Santa looks like he is beating the poor reindeer senseless, maybe clubbing his head with whatever is in his grubby little mitt. Santa has been known to be jolly at times but is also well known for being a hard ass on the elves. I didn’t know he also beat his reindeer. This is even more of an abuse than George Washington keeping a camel at Mount Vernon.

Seen at Ballston Mall, outside Macy’s. Santa fled the scene moments later.

I saw this truck parked in the garage at Ballston last night. Yes, you caught me – I was buying last-minute gifts for my loved ones and for my We Love DC secret Santa person. (Katie, you are totes going to love what I got you!) Actually, it was the beginning of my shopping spree, but that’s beside the point.

Can you imagine being enough of a dick as to drive like this, with half the windshield obstructed? Well, I am here to tell you that some people really are that stupid. I know there’s got to be at least one of our readers that does this sort of thing – clearing a small space at the front of the windshield and hoping nobody else is coming down the road. Probably the same people who do not stop at stop signs. So can someone shed light into this type of laziness? Why not clear the whole car of snow?

When we got to Harris Teeter, I found that the eggnog case was almost completely empty. This is all that was left. I decided to do some self-imposed rationing and only took one carton, leaving the rest for other weary travelers.

I guess it’s okay. Soon they will get a delivery, I am sure, and this situation will likely not seem so dire. I guess it’s good that society is holding up under the strain, because repopulating with just my Lovely Wife could take a while, seeing as how we humans are normally limited to one offspring per nine-month session (very inefficient, if you ask me), and she doesn’t like the idea of me repopulating the planet with anyone else.

What? You aren’t getting stir crazy? Cabin fever isn’t setting in yet? You must either be one of my friends in Bangkok keeping tabs on me or else you own a four-wheel drive. Me, I am just glad I have not yet been cooked and eaten by my Lovely Wife. We are starting to feel locked down, like the end may be near, and have openly admitted to kind of understanding the Donner Party a little better.

Here are 10 ways to keep the cabin fever from setting in:

1. Turn the TV back on and watch an eighth hour of Law & Order.
2. Juice? Yeast? Hook it up and make some old-skool wine.
3. Pretend your roommate/spouse/stranded friend from out of town doesn’t look like a giant strip of bacon.
4. Come shovel out my car. Seriously – this will keep you busy, and it’s fun!
5. Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight.
6. That movie you picked up from the Red Box on the way home last night isn’t going to watch itself.
7. Too dark to go sledding and too dark for a snowball fight, so try running through the snow like Rocky did in Rocky IV.
8. Read a book. Or maybe enjoy some porn you picked up after church last Sunday.
9. Call the ASPCA about the camel your neighbor George has billeted down in Mount Vernon.
10. Youtube. It solves all boredom problems.

What are you doing to distract yourself from cabin fever and thus cannibalism?

If you want a nice drive into the Forbidden Zone outside the Beltway, this is about the last weekend you will be able to see the fall colors, so go out to rural Maryland to this sale. All proceeds help support various charitable organizations.

Take I-270 to Route 28, go seven miles and find the church on the corner of 28 and Turkey Foot Road. You will be glad you made the trek.

The best part was when we were looking in the gator tank, in which some fish were swimming. “Hey Ma,” I said, “Know what kind of fish those are?” She didn’t. “They’re food fish for the gators!”

Mother Weaver laughed, Lovely Wife looked horrified and the family with their two young kids who happened to be right next to us scowled at me like I ruined their visit. Sorry, folks. Just speaking the truth here. Even Nemo gets eaten sometime, kid.

I remember going to events like this when I lived in LA! Nyataimori, Also known as ‘Naked Sushi’ is Sushi art on a woman’s body, came from the ancient Japanese culture, where Tokyo is world famous for this type of dinner theater and art practice. It happens this Friday the 21st, 2009 11:30pm-Midnight with Legendary Sushi Chef Niki Shimasaki (Dragonfly) at Current Lounge located at 1215 Conneticut Ave, NW DC. RSVP/ Table – litonevents@gmail.com // 703.930.0338

One big drawback I see is that I imagine the sushi will not be vegetarian. But what do you think – should sushi be served on naked women? Maybe I am old-fashioned but this seems rather exploitive. Would you go to a naked woman sushi party?

Me, I don’t even go to parties with strippers when invited by friends. You?

I don’t know, my friendly, clean-cut Secret Service pals. If you are trying to do gang tags, you might take a tip or two from our MS-13 members over in Arlington and Fairfax. They know how to tag stuff. At least I didn’t get harassed about anything like taking pictures, not that I whipped out my Brownie Hawkeye during the cavity search. Maybe at lunch I will get a few shots of the activity.

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is visiting DC and is apparently kicking up his heels in the wake of Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhall. So Mubarak is staying at the Four Seasons, from what I understand, and people are super worried that he is in danger, on account he says he wants peace in the Middle East but is really unwilling to do much to facilitate that. Also, troubles at home make for uneasy traveling while abroad. On the other hand, I understand he likes his espresso without the ice, thus freeing the Secret Service from protecting him from a solid punch in his man junk.

In the meantime, if you need to traverse 29th Street NW between M Street and K Street, I recommend either rethinking those plans or else get in the long line of cars facing east on K Street, waiting to turn left onto 29th. Be prepared to pop your trunk and hood and have a German Shepherd sniff around your vehicle. He’s a cute dog but don’t pet him unless you want to be eaten by him.

With all the hullabloo over drugs and other flushed nonsense ending up in our drinking water, it’s certainly a bad idea to just throw these in the trash or flush them down the crapper, but how should she dispose of them? The pharmacy technicians she has spoken with are at a loss as well.

The upside to all this is that she resembled a drug-distributing Santa Claus, the sack over her shoulder making a hunch on her back. It was just like Christmas, except with drugs. There’s nothing “good” in there, mind you, just blood pressure meds and the such, pills, vials, liquids, ointments and gel caps for various ailments we will likely all develop as we get old. All of us except Katie, that is, who is young enough to reference her college’s Wikipedia policy. Damn kids.

Any ideas what to do with this stuff? Bueller?

Durian by Perantau Sepi Lodge

It’s time for another edition of the DC Omnivore 100, where we explore the top one hundred foods every good omnivore should try at least once in their lives.

I am guessing that probably 95% of you have never tried durian. Widely known as the king of fruits, this rare delicacy originated in Malaysia and is grown in many varieties in Southeast Asia. The real king of the king of fruits, however, is the montong variety, which is grown in Thailand and whose name is Thai for “golden pillow” -  a wonderful description for how the flesh of the fruit looks.

If you have not tasted durian, you owe it to yourself to try it, at least once. Forget the Omni 100 list and what other people say about necessary life experiences. It’s all poppycock when held for inspection next to the durian.

To be honest about it, not many Americans love the fruit but on the other hand, I am rather certain nobody feels midway about it. The relationship is a dramatic one of love or hate. I fall into the love category. My lovely wife, on the other hand, falls on the opposite side of the fence. This is where marital harmony pumps its lovely little handcart to hell.

She won’t let me have durian inside and I refuse to have to eat it outside. For Christ’s sake, this is a family friend we are talking about. So my friends can’t come over but we can have your friends artichoke and fancy mushroom any time you want? Oh, good Lord, don’t get me started with all this.

The reason the durian can’t come indoors is because it smells like death and rot. It smells like a very full warmed-up morgue. The flavor of the fruit, however, is a subtle sweetness, sandwiched between overtones of onions and kerosene. However, once you get past the smell and partake of the flesh, the essence is really quite lovely and delicate. It’s a rich, hearty flavor and one taste is not enough for those whose eyes have been opened.

I wholeheartedly recommend trying this fruit. However, buying a whole durian is quite an investment in something you might not like. Look in the freezer section of your local Thai or Vietnamese market for a one-pound box of the fruit. You can get a box for about $4.69 at Duangrat’s Market or for about a dollar more at Cho Saigon, the supermarket at my beloved Eden Center. Even better, if you are feeling froggy enough to jump at this suggestion, let me know so I can join you and eat whatever scraps you do not want. It’s like manna.

Anybody else catch this?

Oh, good lord. I need to get back to sleep.