I was waiting on a friend in Shirlington the other day when I saw this contraption. Anybody have an idea what it is? It is rather reminiscent of things I remember from history class, like stocks and pillories. In fact, the first thing I thought when I saw it was a photo I recalled from the Boxer Rebellion. No joke.

Anyway, hopefully this is some sort of useful device under construction, and not a form of public humiliation for lawbreakers, although honestly I don’t think that would be so bad. Any thoughts?

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People, if you need to do a bit more shoveling to clean things up a little, throw the snow somewhere it makes sense, like into a yard or onto another snow pile. Heck – I’d even pile it by one of the many cars that still has not been extricated from its parking spot.

Don’t throw it in the street. That’s just dumb. We want it to be out of the street, remember?

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So if you work in the basement of that building, just pray there is no fire because you will be pretty well boned if you need to evacuate quickly.

If you see something like this at your home or office, advise your building manager to take care of it ASAP before you call the fire marshal. Needless deaths can be avoided by simply doing some easy things.

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The good news is that these cars do not yet have tickets on them. The bad news is that soon they will. Go move you cars if one of them is yours. With all that saved money, you could buy about ten lunches at any Georgetown restaurant, or maybe about 50 of those fancy cupcakes everyone thinks are the cat’s pajamas.

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mollytics http://twitpic.com/131ufa – Know who is amazing? @WillBlog4FoodDC b/c he shoveled out my car & let me pay him w/ high fives.

It warms the cockles of my heart, whatever the heck those are.

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1. Walk in the street.
2. Walk in the street two abreast.
3. Drive too fast on slick roads.
4. Ride your bike like a jackass in these conditions.
5. Cross the street against the light.

Let’s be careful out there, folks. Safety is a shared responsibility. I have seen blatantly stupid behavior out there. If you are driving, slow down and accept that traveling will take a little longer for a while. If you are walking, be smart. Walk against traffic, on the sidewalk if you can, and single file. If you are biking, simply try your darndest to follow traffic rules. Those cars you are used to barely not hitting you are going to have a harder time braking in the slush and snow, so don’t bike like a d-bag.

Snowy Bike by dmolsen.

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Notice how all that snow is piled on top of this person’s car? Don’t be like that. When you can get out and drive, be sure to clean the snow off your entire car. Two things can result from this type of halfway done snow removal. First, big chunks of ice and snow can fall from your car and into traffic. Annoying, to be sure, and likely to make someone swerve. Maybe not the best reaction, but certainly an understandable one.

Second, if the snow is loose and powdery, it can blow off in traffic and blind other drivers. That’s generally bad too.

On top of this, you will just look like an idiot driving around like that. You are right, it’s not as bad as the even bigger idiots who neglect to clean the snow from all their windows (yes, the back one is important too, people), but still – are people really that lazy? A coworker made the excuse to me that she could not reach the top of her car. I told her she had a size of car to size of body ratio imbalance. If you can’t clean the car off, you shouldn’t be allowed to drive it.

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Don’t the local governments pay people to do this? Verily they do, my smart friend, but they can’t get to all of them at once, and you have to ask yourself which task the fire fighters should be doing, should your home catch fire: looking for a buried fireplug, digging one out from more than a foot of snow, or merely going to it and hooking up the lines. Your choice.

Seriously, get out there and dig out the fire hydrants. A little time now can save a life later.

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When we got there this sign and a locked door were all that greeted me. You think it got bad when you couldn’t get your coffee? This is dire, my friends. Big Daddy needs his doughnuts. I’m not screwing around anymore.

Is there an area Krispy Kreme that is open in this Snomageddopocalypse?

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If only Mother Nature would respect the rules. First rule of bad weather: Schedule it for a day other than Friday, because let’s cut to the chase here. No pants + snow = just plain messy.

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Since the snow has been delayed a bit from its predicted early morning start, what last-minute items are you heading out for?

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I normally like working near this store but not today. I am curious, though, why it was so busy today and why people chose to wait in that long ass line. Were you there? Can you shed some light for me?

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I saw this makeshift outhouse under the DC side of the Chain Bridge while walking on the tow path with my Lovely Wife the other day. Shoddily constructed, to be sure, but it’ll do in a pinch if you really need to pinch a loaf on the drive home. Complete with a bucket inside and running water in the canal. You know, because the Potomac River is so clean you might want to wash up in it.

The Chain bridge usually isn’t terrible, but when it’s bad, it’s horrid. Don’t forget about this gem of a facility when nature calls. You might be scowling as you read this, but disgust turns to acceptance when desperation increases beyond a certain threshold.

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I can’t verify that’s what is happening in the picture but that’s how it looks to me. This is an ad at Rock Bottom Brewery in Ballston Mall, advertising a New Year’s Eve party at the popular bar. Check out the guy third in from the left. This is just wrong. For one thing, here in Virginia we don’t put up with the new-age hippie crap you find on the other side of the water. Another thing – I think firing one up like this guy seems to be doing would violate Virginia’s smoking ban.

Readers, take a closer look. What do you think is happening in the picture? If you look close, it appears he might be holding a circle. My Lovely Wife suggested it looks a bit like a condom, but that’s not quite right. It could be a napkin holder he is about to eat, evidence that he either got high in the parking lot or that he has been served too much alcohol.

Folks from Rock Bottom – any comment?

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That’s kind of how it looks, right? Santa looks like he is beating the poor reindeer senseless, maybe clubbing his head with whatever is in his grubby little mitt. Santa has been known to be jolly at times but is also well known for being a hard ass on the elves. I didn’t know he also beat his reindeer. This is even more of an abuse than George Washington keeping a camel at Mount Vernon.

Seen at Ballston Mall, outside Macy’s. Santa fled the scene moments later.

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I saw this truck parked in the garage at Ballston last night. Yes, you caught me – I was buying last-minute gifts for my loved ones and for my We Love DC secret Santa person. (Katie, you are totes going to love what I got you!) Actually, it was the beginning of my shopping spree, but that’s beside the point.

Can you imagine being enough of a dick as to drive like this, with half the windshield obstructed? Well, I am here to tell you that some people really are that stupid. I know there’s got to be at least one of our readers that does this sort of thing – clearing a small space at the front of the windshield and hoping nobody else is coming down the road. Probably the same people who do not stop at stop signs. So can someone shed light into this type of laziness? Why not clear the whole car of snow?

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When we got to Harris Teeter, I found that the eggnog case was almost completely empty. This is all that was left. I decided to do some self-imposed rationing and only took one carton, leaving the rest for other weary travelers.

I guess it’s okay. Soon they will get a delivery, I am sure, and this situation will likely not seem so dire. I guess it’s good that society is holding up under the strain, because repopulating with just my Lovely Wife could take a while, seeing as how we humans are normally limited to one offspring per nine-month session (very inefficient, if you ask me), and she doesn’t like the idea of me repopulating the planet with anyone else.

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What? You aren’t getting stir crazy? Cabin fever isn’t setting in yet? You must either be one of my friends in Bangkok keeping tabs on me or else you own a four-wheel drive. Me, I am just glad I have not yet been cooked and eaten by my Lovely Wife. We are starting to feel locked down, like the end may be near, and have openly admitted to kind of understanding the Donner Party a little better.

Here are 10 ways to keep the cabin fever from setting in:

1. Turn the TV back on and watch an eighth hour of Law & Order.
2. Juice? Yeast? Hook it up and make some old-skool wine.
3. Pretend your roommate/spouse/stranded friend from out of town doesn’t look like a giant strip of bacon.
4. Come shovel out my car. Seriously – this will keep you busy, and it’s fun!
5. Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight.
6. That movie you picked up from the Red Box on the way home last night isn’t going to watch itself.
7. Too dark to go sledding and too dark for a snowball fight, so try running through the snow like Rocky did in Rocky IV.
8. Read a book. Or maybe enjoy some porn you picked up after church last Sunday.
9. Call the ASPCA about the camel your neighbor George has billeted down in Mount Vernon.
10. Youtube. It solves all boredom problems.

What are you doing to distract yourself from cabin fever and thus cannibalism?

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If you want a nice drive into the Forbidden Zone outside the Beltway, this is about the last weekend you will be able to see the fall colors, so go out to rural Maryland to this sale. All proceeds help support various charitable organizations.

Take I-270 to Route 28, go seven miles and find the church on the corner of 28 and Turkey Foot Road. You will be glad you made the trek.

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The best part was when we were looking in the gator tank, in which some fish were swimming. “Hey Ma,” I said, “Know what kind of fish those are?” She didn’t. “They’re food fish for the gators!”

Mother Weaver laughed, Lovely Wife looked horrified and the family with their two young kids who happened to be right next to us scowled at me like I ruined their visit. Sorry, folks. Just speaking the truth here. Even Nemo gets eaten sometime, kid.

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