Ikea. Evil. You know the drill.

I don’t know why I do this to myself. I don’t. It’s just that when I need furniture, I can’t bear the thought of going to Marlo and paying out the ass for a good pair of bookcases, or getting cheap crap from Target. I just can’t. So, it’s off to that haven of matching items and DIY, Ikea. We got in the car this morning at 10 and drove down to Woodbridge to look for a desk and some bookcases and maybe a dresser. We found what we needed, and enjoyed our trip through the rampant consumerism labyrinth, and headed for pickup and checkout. We ended up cramming my Jetta full of flatpacks and tying down the trunk for the drive back. Once home, we unloaded and began assembly of the dresser unit we fancied. That’s when it began.

We unpacked the box for the dresser and found just about half of what we needed to make a dresser. Crap. Back to Ikea.

I got the second box and we started again. Worked great, until we got to the last of the drawers. The bores for the camshafts didn’t line up. Neither for the dowels. Crap. Guess where I’m going? Yeah. Back to Ikea.

This time, I took them the parts with me and said, “Fix it!” So they did. And off I went back to my condo to finish the dresser. Drawers assembled, time to put on the rails. Drawer one, no problem. Drawer two. Aw shit. Not again. The rails line up, but there’s no holes for the screws! For crying out loud, people, what the fuck is going on?! Furious, I sped back down 395 weaving in and out traffic (I am sorry if I inadvertantly caused road rage this weekend, please blame Ikea.), I headed for the store trying to make it before close. I was told that the rails that I had wouldn’t work with the drawer, because they’d changed manufacturing techniques for the dresser midstream (they’re made in Poland. I will let you fill in your own ethnic joke here.), and that I needed new rails. Mollified by new rails and screws, I sped back up 95. Total miles driven today? 167. All back and forth to Ikea.

God, is there some magic solution to the Ikea nightmare? I’ll tell you, I’m afraid to assemble the bookshelves and desk now, for fear that I might have to drive that horrid route again tomorrow. If, however, you see me on the 10pm news tomorrow night, it’s because the desk or bookshelves have missing parts. Please come bail me out.

This post appeared in its original form at DC Metblogs

I live and work in the District of Columbia. I write at We Love DC, a blog I helped start, I work at Technolutionary, a company I helped start, and I’m happy doing both. I enjoy watching baseball, cooking, and gardening. I grow a mean pepper, keep a clean scorebook, and wash the dishes when I’m done. Read Why I Love DC.

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