How Cool Is My Bike?

motorcycle jump by Francesco Rachello

As a proud new bike owner (well Vespa owner to be exact), there’s one question that has been bugging the heck out of me.  How cool do I look on my bike when I go zooming up the street?  I mean it’s hard to tell what others are seeing as I haul major ass, pop wheelies, and do burnouts at stop lights.  Thankfully I ran into Larry on craigslist* who can help me out!

Do you want to know how cool your bike looks or what it sounds like when it’s revving out as you go zooming up the street? I will come to you house and ride your bike up and down the street in front of your house like so fast so you can see it and you can take pics if you want. I’ve got the whole little costume, helmet and sh!t and I even have a motorcycle license so it’s all cool in case the cops come. I can pretend I am in a race with myself on your bike and then you will know how cool you look when you are whipping up your street past all the kids. I know how to ride almost any bike but I am not going to do this on anything where you have to shift the gears with your hand instead of your foot or a BMW cause those things f#*@ing suck. If you want me to light the tire and do a burnout on your bike I can! You can run inside and get some bleach and pour it on the rear tire when I am doing it and all your neighbors will think you have a top fuel dragster or some sh!t when they see all the smoke. I really don’t want to ride anyone on the back when I do this for you so don’t have any girls around. And your bike must be in good shape cause I don’t wanna die out there. No mexican sh!t. I have been performing this service for years to ALL of my friends and I am very good at it.

PLEASE NOTE: I am not posting this because I am trying to steal anyone’s motorcycle. I show up at your house in my own car and my wife of many years is with me and she takes pics too for our family album. I am a family man, 49 years old and I know motorcycles inside and out. I used to work on race cars. No monkey business here. You can talk with my wife while I get used to your bike.

Holla at me up if you need to see how cool you ride is. WU TANG MUTHAF@%#ERS! WU TANG!

Larry, we need more people like you in this world.  Seriously bro.

* I copied the text from his post just in case it gets flagged for removal.

Hailing from the Mile High City, Max has also lived in Tinsel Town, the Emerald City, as well as the City of Brotherly Love. Now a District resident, he likes to write about cool photos by local photographers, the DC restaurant and bar scene, or anything else that pops into his mind.

8 thoughts on “How Cool Is My Bike?

  1. Those rat bastards at Crags List took it down! Is there no dignity left in this world?