Dear crack-o-dawn thunder,
You really need to learn some respect. I had plenty of time before my alarm was supposed to go off this morning, and there you were, banging around like some psychotic upstairs neighbor from hell. I was peacefully sleeping til you came along with your strobe show all flashing lights and such. Well guess what thunder, you’re not Kanye and you never will be.
And while I’ve got your attention, I just thought someone should balls up and tell you the obvious. You and your rain counterpart have worn out your welcome. We here in DC have basically had to forge an ark to get to and from work the past week or so, my pants have permanent cuff creases in them. Like Marion Barry, you are no longer needed here.
I hate you,
Oh, and don’t forget you owe me 4 bucks for the coffee I’ll need today, asshat. That’s all on you.