If you’re a Glee watcher – it’s okay to admit it, I am – then you might be interested to know they’ll be bringing a live stage show around the country. We got a press release from Verizon Center about it, offering us an opportunity to paraphrase it and run a calendar announcement disguised as a story, but I figure I’ll just let it speak for itself.
Washington, D.C. – On the heels of blockbuster ratings for the post-Super Bowl episode, Twentieth Century Fox Television and “Glee” co-creator Ryan Murphy are pleased to announce that the critically acclaimed “Glee Live! In Concert!,” starring 13 members of the television show’s cast, will return to North American concert stages this spring.
“The cast and I were so moved by the love and enthusiasm of our fans at last year’s concerts that we knew we had to do it again,” said Murphy. “Plus, with the ad market in the tank and everyone with disposable incomes using Hulu or DVRs and skipping commercials we have to face the reality that our days of snorting coke off a stripper’s ass – and all those other shenanigans I used to love to show in NIP/TUCK – might be a thing of the past for us if we don’t find a way to make other money off our television properties.”
“Jamming an extra song or two into every episode so we can put out 9 albums a year full of glossed-up cover songs which we pay a statutory royalty for is great but everyone just copies that shit. Besides, you know what auto-tuning costs? It ain’t free and a few of our stars sound like someone jumping into in a bucket of frogs before we process their voices into the edgy but non-threatening android tones everyone loves.”
Ryan pauses to rinse his mouth out with some Perrier, orders the intern-futon who he had propped his feet upon to stop slouching, and continues. “Now, concerts? Can’t copy that on the internet! Thankfully we’re big enough to justify being in these arenas where we can project everything up on big-ass screens and run everything through all the audio-processing our fans have grown to expect. If we had to do this in concert venues where people could hear our stars un-amplified and processed and see them sweat under the lights, woo, man, they’d be gone in a second. Besides, daddy’s not going to bring little Timmy to a standing-room venue where the smell of old beer and real musical integrity is in the air. It would just confuse them. Better that they sit in their nice clean plastic seat and watch our stars on lit-up screens and hear the taped and perfect musical notes backing the amplified sounds – the way they like their music!”
Ryan leans forward and pauses for effect as his attendants re-aim the fans they’re swinging in the contractually-specified 60 swings per minute. “We thought about doing some higher priced more ‘intimate’ events but the venues just had too many unpolished and uncontrolled kinds of folks. You know the kind of stuff I mean – non-traditional hair colors that weren’t just applied that day, drooping mohawks, clothing with rips not put there by the factory in controlled conditions and consistent placement. We scouted D.C.’s 930 Club and even saw two guys making out in a corner. Our fans would never go for that. Could you imagine if they saw real homosexuals actually having physical contact? Our fans don’t want to see or hear about gay dudes actually having sweaty man-sex – I mean, it’s not like they’re hot cheerleaders diddling each other while they’re waiting for the studs to come give it to them, that’s cool. But actually having a lip-lock that goes on for more than two seconds and not followed up with a lot of hand-wringing? Forget it.”
Ryan leans back and smiles. “We’ve got some great moments scripted between Kurt and Blaine leaning in and then pulling back, some knowing smiles, that sort of thing. Just the thing so our audience can feel good about their open-mindedness without any squiggly moments to ruin their appetite and cut into concession sales – our cut of that is a big plus too.”
Ryan frowns at the thought of some organizational difficulties. “Of course we’d do better if we could sell the commemorative slushy cups for the extra $3 but the venues and our legal department are in some sort of conspiracy against us on this one. They’re totally mamby-pamby on this, whining about the potential clean-up if fans throw them on each other or fights break out after someone dumps one on them. I told them we’ve been training the audience to just stand there like the Glee cast does when they get slushed rather than actually throwing punches and getting bruised or cut in a fight but they just yammer on about how supposed real people react. Whatever, we’ll just sell fan club memberships during the break and make them mail-away items.”
Ticket Information: Tickets for the Thursday, June 9 show at Verizon Center at 7:30 p.m. will go on sale March 4 at 10:00 a.m. Prices are $92.50 and $52.50 (plus applicable service charges) and will be available through all Ticketmaster outlets including the Verizon Center box office, online at www.ticketmaster.com or via Phonecharge at 202-397-SEAT, 703-573-SEAT or 410-547-SEAT. There will be a ticket lottery at 8:00 a.m. Patrons must be in line at the box office by 8:00 a.m. to participate. There is an eight ticket limit. Accessible seating is available for patrons with disabilities by calling 202-661-5065. For more information please visit www.gleeinconcert.com or www.verizoncenter.com.