Jack is being treated in the back of an ambulance, being treated for his seizure and urged not to talk, as his vocal cords are in spasm. But he manages to choke out instructions to stop Tony to Freckles. Oh, Jack, hindsight is 20/20.
At this point it would be easier to talk about who’s NOT a traitor.
Tony is at a no-tell motel that appears to be off NY Ave. NE. He tells the nameless henchman that the payment has been wired to his account, and he’s able to check his balance without dialing 47 different extensions and re-entering his account number 18 times. And now the henchman is turning on Tony. It’s so hard to get good henchmen these days.
Jack is filling in the President, and so’s the Secret Service. They work out how to get the information they need out of Hodges, and for some reason Bauer is promising the President that torture will not be necessary. I’m sorry, I thought I was watching 24… but apparently what Hodges wants is to fake his own death to protect his family. (Apparently launching a bioweapon would not have endangered them in the least?)
The woman who impersonated the Blonde Redshirt Lawyer is now at the no-tell with Tony. They start bickering about the bioweapon like an old married couple. She thinks Tony should take his time, he wants to blow the payload right away… Typical. Tony insists that Hodges gave them an opportunity, but we can’t figure out why Tony wouldn’t have just let the missiles launch if he wants to see the bioweapon go off that bad.
President Woman President wants Li’l Taylor to go get a Witness Protection agreement for Hodges. Li’l Taylor is horrified by this suggestion, and thinks that they should declare Hodges and enemy combatant and treat him like one to get him to talk. YEAH, THAT’S THE 24 I KNOW! But President W-P is having none of it, and while choking back sobs about her dead son and husband, she delivers a touching speech about the oath she took to protect the constitution. And shames Li’l Taylor into acting like a Chief of Staff.
Redheaded Redshirt Impersonator is on a conference call talking about how Almeida’s bioweapon attack is going to be blamed on a hapless Middle Eastern man, who will at least not be alive to notice the injustice. The shadowy conspiracy takes a vote- because people bent on overthrowing America are known for their reliance on Robert’s Rules of Order- and Tony and the redhead start making out heading into commercial.
Hodges is awake and ranting about how saving him has killed his family. Jack steps into the unusually dark room and offers to help fake Hodges’ death and protect his family for his cooperation. Lots of back and forth and timewasting arguing about whether or not Hodges knows who he has been working with, and Jack reminds him that while the President may not have the stomach to endanger Hodges’ family, JACK sure as hell does. Hodges finally cracks and explains the plan. Which makes no sense, but who’s counting?
Meanwhile, the President has been listening in. Jack tells her they need to start identifying terrorists and git ta raidin’. Because apparently, they don’t keep that kind of list around. So clearly, it’s time to bring the CTU servers back online. Alternately, they call it “recommissioning” or “reconstituting,” so apparently the servers are actually ships. Or dried fruit.
Jack calls Chloe, who apparently sleeps in her clothes and with the light on juuuuust in case she gets a late night booty call from Jack. She urges her husband to take their kid (the nerdiliciously-named “Prescott”) and get the hell outta Dodge because there’s going to be another attack. A tender moment ensues.
Jack gives what’s supposed to be a Patton-like speech (it’s not) at FBI. An FBI agent named JIM MORAN OH MY GOD I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP starts asking questions, and Freckles explains the plan. Janis goes all goody-two-shoes and insists that this kind of surveillance is illegal (um, really? Pattern matching on suspicious financial transactions is illegal? Since when?) and she wants to know whether FBI is turning into CTU. Freckles tells Janis to shut up or GTFO.
Chloe arrives at Imaginary FBI Field Office, because apparently she was like a block away. Jack tells her the servers are nearly back online, because apparently they were never actually OFFline, and informs her about Tony’s treachery. In her confusion, Jack demands her loyalty. Personally I’m hoping she turns out to be a traitor too.
Li’l Taylor is righteously indignant as she informs Aaron that Hodges did NOT die in the hospital, but in fact her mother is giving him Witness Protection. She backs up the waaaaaaahmbulance pretty good and then makes a poorly-considered remark about killing Jonas Hodges.
Li’l Taylor then calls a naked man who is apparently some kind of political operative. She tells some vague story about a problem reporter in their past, and the naked man agrees to show up to the White House to talk some more.
Chloe and Janis are measuring their e-peens (Chloe’s is totally bigger) when Jack loses his shit on Janis and screams that “PRESIDENT DAVID PALMER RECOMMISSIONED THESE SERVERS,” clearly forgetting Presdient Woman President is the Woman President now. He stomps off while Chloe and Janis are temporarily united in their collective “WTF?”
Meanwhile, Tony Alameida is threatening the hapless Middle Eastern man with a gun.
Next week: Jack tells Chloe he’s dying, Tony forces Hapless Middle Eastern Guy into pretending he’s a terrorist, and oh thank God, an explosion.