How to hide $79,000 in your bra

Photo courtesy of
‘Two Dollar #4’
courtesy of ‘Chris Rief aka Spodie Odie’

The charging documents for Jack and Leslie Johnson are out, and among the more colorful allegations in them is that Mr. Johnson asked Mrs. Johnson to hide $79,000 in her bra.

This was immediately met on Twitter with conjecture as to the impossibility of such a feat. The speculators were almost all men who have never had to stash anything in their bras, so I consider them ill-equipped to speculate.

Much as it pains my sense of blog-propriety to do this, I am forced to explain:

It is really not that impossible to secret that quantity of cash in one’s foundation garments, even for the lady of more modest endowment.

The largest bill the Treasury prints is the $100. Of course, you need just 790 of these to have $79k.

A stack of 100 bills is .43 inches thick. You need 7.9 stacks of a hundred Benjamins. .43 * 7.9 = 3.397, so 79 G’s measures less than 3.5 inches. Or, if you split it in half for easier hiding, you end up with two stacks 1.75 inches thick.

If you’re wearing a high-necked shirt, you can probably hide this effectively in your cleavage, as long as you’re not getting frisked. If you need a more secure hiding place, you can stash half in each cup as sort of a push-up bra effect.

Edited to Add: Comments about Leslie Johnson’s breasts, demands for photos to back up the math, etc. will be deleted. No one would be making those comments if the money had been found in Jack Johnson’s boxers.

Tiffany Baxendell Bridge is an Internet enthusiast and an incurable smartass. When not heckling the neighborhood political scene on Twitter, she can be found goofing off with her ukulele, Bollywood dancing, or obsessing about cult TV. She is That Woman With the Baby In the Bar.

Tiffany lives in Brookland with her husband Tom, son Charlie, and two high-maintenance cats. Read why Tiffany loves DC.

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7 thoughts on “How to hide $79,000 in your bra

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention How to hide $79,000 in your bra » We Love DC --

  2. To continue being a buzzkill, it’s probably easier for a more modestly endowed woman to hide something sizable in her bra, at least comfortably. While stretching out the bra another 4 inches is going to be uncomfortable for anyone I would think the ummm… squishing, I’ll say, would be less unpleasant.

    It’s really strange people get so worked up by one layer of clothing. If the report has just been “Johnson attempted to conceal the bills below her clothing” it would have somehow been less giggle-worthy. Somehow you toss in “bra” and it’s all whacko laughter.

    Then again, I think the word “underpants” is pretty funny, so I guess I am a little hypocritical here…

  3. In the new Victoria Secrets catalog, there’s a bra encrusted with diamonds I believe you can buy for $2 mil. …so it’s also reasonable to think maybe to hide it not in her bra but on her bra. Also: loose fitting shirt means she could have had bills tucked in back.

  4. Let’s hope it was in hundred dollar bills. If it was in quarters, I don’t even want to think about it….

  5. women do this all the time. i had a school teacher come into class and carrry a rectangular walett inside her bra cup.the only way i knew this was she usually wore a tight fitting jersey and the outline of it was visable. she wouldnt have had any problen with this large sum of cash.