As the countdown to voting day continues, many have asked us here at WeLoveDC just who we’re going to endorse for Mayor of the District. We’ve had a long and exhausting debate on our author email list, and quite frankly, we couldn’t come up with a unanimous choice, much less a majority decision. So instead, we decided to offer up our own endorsements for mayor, in our own words.
You may be surprised at who we picked.
Katie: I hereby endorse Jose Andres for mayor of DC. I believe that his stature on the national scene, but ties to his local DC roots make him the most ideal possible candidate for the District. I think his thoughts on school reform are brilliant, and his knowledge of the issues of our time are on point. His promise of endless fluffy pita bread, tasty gazpacho, and magic mojitos for all will keep this city content.
Tom: I hereby nominate Greg Engert for the mayorship of DC. His careful stewardship of Churchkey’s 55 taps across three core temperatures indicates an understanding of difficult operating environments, and his ability to curry favor across all beer constituencies indicates that he’s got what it takes to manage the difficult city constituencies that run the different areas of DC government and life. He’s got a firm understanding of the need for balance in the face of overwhelming choices, and crafts a beer selection that is never short of opportunities for those who like hops, those who like malts, those who like fruits, and those who like smoke. The man is an artisan craftsman, and just the sort of thing we need to run our city.
Ben: I’m actually going to endorse Alexander Ovechkin for mayor. That’s right, you heard me.
It’s pretty simple, really – the guy’s already got the keys to the city. His legion of Crazy 8 fans are a ready-made volunteer force that can enforce Metro rules and man the “safe zone border” to keep the tourists out. Most importantly, however, his platform is solid: when he was president of the city for a day, he abolished all speed limits. Clearly, this guy knows how to handle heavy traffic and achieve his goals.
Tiffany: When contemplating to whom I would give my very prestigious and politically important endorsement for Mayor, I considered one question and one question only: Who is actually working every day to improve the lives of DC residents? I considered several candidates:
- Bob Grannan, the Metro Dancer
- Asian Hymn-Singing Guy, also on the Metro
- Bruce Majors, the Tea Partier trying to keep other Tea Partiers out of most of DC
But finally I settled on Robert Egger of DC Central Kitchen. Because while Rush Limbaugh would argue that as the head of a nonprofit, his bloated salary is raping the economy, I’d argue that one could say that about most politicians, but at least Egger manages to successfully feed, train, and employ DC residents while he’s at it.
Rebecca: Here’s my nominee: Batman.
1) Because he’s a badass.
2) Because he’s a serious badass.
3) Because he’s the damned BATMAN.
Michael: I hereby nominate Josh Burdette, the iconic head of security at the 9:30 Club, for mayor. Mr. Burdette is more commonly known as “that scary bouncer with the huge loops in his ears” or “that giant bad-ass with all the tattoos” and is the perfect choice for the next mayor of the District.
Mr. Burdette is a candidate who runs on a platform of security. I have witnessed on several occasion his sheer physical presence restoring order to scenes bordering on complete chaos. As easily as he physically intimidates, Mr. Burdette is also a master of barroom diplomacy, possessing near-infinite patience with hysterical drunks and the calm yet commanding demeanor to get them to “shut the hell up” or “get the hell out.” His experience diffusing tense, violent, and absurd situations is just the thing to combat crime in our streets, wrangle the teachers’ union, or deal with the incessant pestering of the City Council.
Another aspect that makes Mr. Burdette an attractive candidate at the polls are his excellent public speaking skills: when filling in as MC for a temporarily-absent Henry Rollins at the 9:30 Club’s 30th Anniversary Concert, it was Mr. Burdette’s impromptu yet eloquent introduction, to that moment in DC music-history, that first caught this king-maker’s eye.
Max: I’ll be voting for Chuck Norris come election day because Chuck Norris is the best at everything – actually better. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
Improving our school system starts with getting kids to enjoy learning. Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick learning into their heads and they’d enjoy it. Crime in DC would instantly disappear when Chuck Norris took office because he is ten feet tall, weighs two tons, breathes fire, can eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. Chuck Norris is a huge Redskins fan and is actually 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with his ancestry – the man ate a fucking Indian. Chuck Norris would straighten out our budget just like he made Ellen Degeneres straight. We wouldn’t have to worry about statehood anymore because Chuck Norris would make the other states join our nation. Metro would always run on time because if Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Why Chuck Norris? Because Chuck Norris set the bitch up.
Kirkles: I nominate Antoine Dodson because he can sing and he’s against rape. You all aren’t pro rape, are you?
Carl: Three nominations:
- Aqua Man, because he can breathe underwater.
- Dylan Thomas, because he rages against the dying of the light.
- Tom Bridge, because he sings the body electric and is even more badass than Batman and Walt Whitman’s hairy sexy love child.
Rachel: I’ll be voting for Screech the Eagle come election day because, unlike the Philly Phanatic, he’s never been sued. In fact, I don’t think there’s any dirt on this guy at all. He was born here (at RFK Stadium to be exact), he knows all about loyalty since he’s been cheering for a baseball team that hasn’t had a winning season since setting foot in DC in 2005, and can definitely make you laugh without ever saying a word. A politician that can’t talk? That’s just code for: “I can’t lie or do anything to anger the general public because all I do is smile and nod my head with the occasion dance move thrown in for frills.” And Screech has the ear of FOUR PRESIDENTS. If that doesn’t sound ideal, I don’t know what does.
Dave: I hereby nominate Bob Grannan, a.k.a., the Metro Dancer of Red Line Fame. Being able to survive a commute on the Metro is really the most important plank of any Mayoral platform, but I’m looking for someone who’s going to have fun while doing it. It can be a pretty stuffy place down there, what, with all the judging of people standing on the left of the escalator. We need more people like Bob in this fair District. Plus, I want moves like that.